so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
