he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
