You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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