We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
