His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
