I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
