She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We smell like vodka and hangover
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