There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
