I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
