final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My penis needs a shock collar
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
