Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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