I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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