I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
