Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
