guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She's the barista slut.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When did angry sex become our thing?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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