Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
