Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
BRING THE BAGELS
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