she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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