Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
