It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
