All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
