so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
