I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
