i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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