you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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