Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
