apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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