anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
