How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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