Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
