I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He? As in you personified your dick?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
