ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
