i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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