Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
