So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
