I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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