The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
