Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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