I faked an abortion last night.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
