At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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