...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
