Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
