Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else