about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
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If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..