Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
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we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
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somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?