I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.