So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning