if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
