If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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