I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
