Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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