I'm lost and stupid without you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
