My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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