i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
