I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
