Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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