Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
