The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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