I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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