i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
