my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
please come you make the beer taste better
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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