if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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