i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
